I know I haven’t been posting lately. It’s for a lot of reasons, really. Reasons I can’t get into right now. A sort of strange existential crisis? Family crisis? Personal crisis? Chasing a toddler? Tiring of winter? Feeling blah? Yes. Yes. And yes.
Oh and also, Poppy is doing this now, so I find escaping to open my computer really hard to do these days.
I hope to return soon. I have a lot of writing I’d like to be doing right now. It’s just finding the oomph to do it. Spring, come quickly!
Now that Poppy’s first birthday is passed, I feel such a sense of relief. I can hardly explain it. Celebrating the end of her babyhood this weekend brought on sort of strange, yet welcomed, emotional release. I’m not kidding.
It started when I spent all of last week looking at pictures of her first few days in the world. I stared for long, long periods of time at her tiny hands, her dark squinty eyes, her wrinkled skin, and her jerkish movements on video. By the time Sunday rolled around, I felt a total sense of release, like a weight lifting from my heart. Again, I’m not kidding. I cried a few tears alone that morning, but then things started to change. Even the way I look at Poppy today is different. She’s full on into toddlerhood and I am finally okay with that. Did you hear me? I AM OKAY WITH THAT.
Even during the tough times and sleepless nights, I think I did a pretty fine job of staying present in every moment this past year. I don’t regret ANY decision, not even the bad ones. I can close this chapter on our lives and say that it was a very well-spent year. It was rich and full and crazy and rewarding and difficult and joyous and long and short, and well, you get the idea.
We are on to toddlerhood and so far, I like it alright. Poppy did lick the toilet seat today, but hey.
Yes, I know this song is old news to you kids, but I’m posting it anyway.
Because I love it and I love my girls.
Penny and Poppy sitting in a TREE
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
I heart them.
I’m sorry, but when did we get from here,
To here?
There are six days left until Poppy turns ONE and the tears have already been flowing over here. Mine, not hers. I love this little girl and I love who she is becoming right before my eyes. What an amazing year. She has enriched my life in more ways than I can ever say.
Sigh. ONE!
Poppy will be ONE year old next week and I’m dying over here. Dying of joy, heartache, pride, love, sadness, and excitement all at the same time.
This little Booger Butt is the most wonderful kid I know. She is as stubborn as hell and as cute as a button, which, frankly, creates a balance so perfect that at least once every day she comes within inches of her life’s end and somehow manages to smile at me in a way that makes all the BAD go away instantly.
At story time the other day, she was chasing after a boy trying to steal his stacking rings. Oh Poppy. She sat down in the middle of the circle of children and reveled in her victory, munching on each and every ring as though it were made of Toblerone. And she doesn’t even know what that is!
As she was playing, I saw her look up from her toy, scan the room, and search the faces of all the mothers and children. Finally, her big beautiful eyes landed straight on me. On me. Where they stayed for a few moments and melted into a beautiful grin across her chubby cheeks. A big “Hi” and then she was back to the rings. For that moment, I felt like the most important person in the whole world. I know she won’t always have this kind of admiration for me. I know someday she’ll hate me for something. I know someday she’ll grow up and be independent and busy.
But for today, just today, I am her world and oh, man. It is incredible.
More music from me to you on this cold January day. Both are very good for soothing small children to sleep, for what it’s worth. Also, they are beautiful pieces of choreography in my head.
Enjoy.
[Abraham by Sufjan Stevens]
[Down in the River by Alison Krauss]
Life has continued in my corner of the world this week. Poppy did cute things, I read some books, Jacob nailed a design at work, the house needed repair, the chores needed doing, I worked out all my personal drama, etc. etc. etc.
But I can’t write about any of it on this blog. I’m carving out my piece of the Internet for Haiti. If you haven’t looked yet, please do. The photos are graphic. The dead bodies are Poppy’s age. Please help – there are so many ways.
I feel helpless and small. Life sucks.
“I want to have thirteen daughters.”
Since I’ve been a small girl, I have had an insatiable appetite for reading. My mother has the American Girl and Mandie series to thank for that. I read all the time, finishing whole books in mere days. My sister and I slept in the basement, so it was easy to stay undercover and read into the wee hours of the night. When I was in the 2nd grade my mom held a five dollar bill in front of my face and challenged me to complete the entire Little Women unabridged edition. I re-read it several more times after that.
There is a huge bookshelf in our dining room now that holds many of the childhood books that both Jacob and I hold dear. My prized copy of Tolstoy’s War and Peace sits proudly on the fiction shelf saying HEY YOU! YOU READ ME! YOU READ THE WHOLE THING! GO YOU!
The Internets is out to destroy books. Of this I am totally sure. The Kindle? Are you serious? I’m sorry, but I like holding a book in my hands and feeling the texture of the smooth cover and the soft, paper-y pages. I don’t care if it makes my bag heavy. I don’t care if my personal library takes over an entire room. They’re BOOKS FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!
Unfortunately of late, I’ve been reading more blogs and Facebook statuses than books. It’s sad really. It made me so sad that I decided with the New Year would come a resolution to read more books. More REAL books.
Remember how my mom offered me five dollars to finish Little Women? Well, I need that kind of motivation to get started. Luckily, I found this resolution reward chart on Twitter. Little squares to stamp and mark off the calendar saying I’ve accomplished my goal? It’s just the motivation I need to read real books everyday.
I got a whole bunch of new books for Christmas, including a biography of Nureyev, and a collection of the best American short stories. I’ve also started reading a charming – and surprisingly full of depth – children’s series by Avi about a little mouse named Poppy. I am enchanted already.
I am excited to renew my love of reading and my hunger for it. All without the Internets.
I was just about to sit down and write a blog post about something – anything – this morning, as I heard a ruckus coming from the kitchen. I walked into the next room and found a very irritated little kitty. Following the trail of CatChow pieces, I then found a little eleven-month-old with a mouthful of soggy cat food.
So, not today, Internets. I need to go throw up. Gross.
I have had a week off from blogging, from the whole Internet really, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Dear Readers, you do not want to hear about the last seven days in my world. Nope, you don’t. If I had been blogging this whole time, you would have had to listen to a symphony of stressful holidays, sick grandparents, a funeral, last minute travel plans, flying with a 10-month-old, sickness, a forgotten anniversary, more sickness, a tragic dog story, and a not-so-Happy-New-Year.
As a writer, I want to process all of these things in word-form, but instead I say let us allow the winds of change to blow them away and start afresh. It is a new year after all, right?
It crossed my mind to end this blog come the new year, as it sometimes becomes a burden to maintain. My writing seems dry to me. I don’t like what I’ve written of late. I don’t like when my writing becomes vindictive or defensive, which it has at times this past year. I feel as though I spend most of my time explaining myself, my actions. A personal lashing out, if you will. Navigating life is hard, even harder with A BLOG on your back.
In a new outlook on life, I hope to grow more confident in myself. Accountable only to truth and love, not guilt and obligation. I hope to be free to think and write and grow at my own pace. And goddammit, I am sick of explaining my (our) decisions to people. It’s time to press on and let Time be the great equalizer.
This is a tangent? Yes, OK. But you get the idea? It’s been a great year of blogging, but a challenging one. Weekend Moments was a successful venture, I think. Documenting new motherhood has been something most invaluable to me. Sharing stories and pictures of Poppy seemed to be a hit among the relatives. I think I made a total of $21 on Google Adsense this year. Phooey pants. Oh well, someday I’ll get paid to write.
In the new year, I will be cutting down on my “hot” days. No, no, not the days when I walk around in my Apple-Bottom-Jeans-And-The-Boots-With-The-Fur. But rather the “hot” days that I am online from morning ’til night, checking the blogosphere and Facebook-o-sphere at every possible moment that I am not spending changing a diaper, cleaning up Cheerios off the floor, or keeping the baby from sticking her fingers in an outlet. Three days a week will be solely set aside for reading REAL books, writing on REAL paper, and talking in REAL life to REAL people. And this blog will have to wait on those days. Am I scared to hell of losing readership? Yes. But at least I know my mom and my brothers Pat and TJ will still read this blog until the day I die. (Hi guys!)
With the merriest of wishes I can muster up today, I do wish you and yours a Happy New Year. May it be full of bold choices, kind words, better relationships, small pleasures, and lots of laughter. Oh, and reading what’s left of this blog.
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year!
With all the love in the world,
Jacob, Leanne, Poppy, Miss Penny, and Captain
… by four PAWS!
This is Captain and he’s the newest baby in the house! We adopted him from the local shelter, and he couldn’t be any sweeter. He’s a big guy – part Boxer, part Lab – but he thinks he fits on your lap for a tummy rub.
Hooray! Welcome to the family, Captain!
Sorry for the long absence, my Dear Readers, I am here. I’m just buried in lots of boxes, unassembled furniture, and happiness. I love being in our new house. From the moment we set the first box down in the living room, I felt like I was home. And gosh darnit, that’s the way it should be. There’s still a lot of projects to be done, but it is a joy to work on this little space for our little family. I will post some pictures soon, I promise!
